the things I think about...

I had no idea to how many people I had said this. The thing about not wanting marriage. Yet I am always in a bad mood on Valentine's Day, make funny faces at little kids on the Tube and worry myself in the middle of the night about my mom's future naggings. Wondering what it feels like to carry a child. Wondering if after-life really exist.

Just before I turn 18, I got my life planned out. I got the scholarship now; I will have to work hard to achieve my dream. Geologist. I thought about possible universities. I suddenly pop in on Mr Brown and asked about Cambridge. I have the perfect subject combination. I decide I'm not going to be the boring, paranoid girl that is the negative side of me anymore. Stop making mistakes and move on.

Yet I giggled about a certain guy to my father over the phone (who want to know nothing about him), read non-academic books fanatically and once, stay in bed the whole day with the LCD screen of my laptop practically glued to my eyes. When I think about these things that I had done that is pulling me away from achieving my dream, I feel suicidal. It's never a good timing - suicidal thoughts in the middle of the night.

He asked me what I am thinking about when I say I'm thinking - really, what am I supposed to say? That I absolutely hate myself and consider taking an overdose of sleeping pills so I will die in my sleep? That I do like him, but hell, I never consider a future with him, he'll never receive the red card that is the wedding invitation from me? I once read somewhere the more successful a person is, the lonelier he will feel. I've broke my friendship with the girl who was supposed to be my best friend, who throw my trust for her away, and expect me to understand.

My answer to this is, quite frankly, blunt - NO. No to forgiving her, no to still being friends with her, no I don't want to have anything to do with her any longer. She can have my 'School Days' if she want, besides that anime is supposed to teach teenagers nowadays a lesson. He who is the one that creates this mistrust between us, no I don't want to be your friend. Moan all you want. The past is the past, thank you very much, and your status 'the ex' doesn't really give you any authority to demand being friends with me. I am harsh because this is the real me. Take it or leave it.